


a death unfit for a hero

by itisjosh



Series: onlypain [59]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Crying, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Grieving, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Past Character Death, Regret, Sad Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Sort of a character study, Technoblade-centric (Video Blogging RPF), third installment of the TOMMY FUCKING DIES series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:14:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29842734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itisjosh/pseuds/itisjosh
Summary: "You were supposed to be a hero, Tommy." Techno whispers, feeling broken and hurt and filled with agony."So why didn't you die like one?"(or, technoblade grieves)
Relationships: Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: onlypain [59]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027711
Comments: 21
Kudos: 415





	a death unfit for a hero

_"You wanna be a hero, Tommy? Then die like one!"_

Those exact words ring through Techno's head as he walks down a hill that leads to the ocean, wandering past said ocean, moving along a pathway that was walked into the ground only a few months ago, if even that. He keeps his eyes forwards, refusing to look back or to look away from his goal - he knows that if he does, he'll run as fast as he can away from this place. He'll run as quickly as he can to get away from what he's about to do. From who he's about to visit. From whose _grave_ he's about to visit. Techno breathes in, feeling the autumn air settle in his chest as he does. He forces himself to keep moving, to keep walking and to not look away, to not look behind him. Techno doesn't want to do this. He doesn't want to come out to the graveyard, and he doesn't want to visit the grave that doesn't have a body to accompany it. Techno thinks that he would rather die, something that he can admit that he's unbelievably terrified of, than do this. But he knows that he has to - he isn't doing it for himself, after all. No, he's doing it for the boy that died a child's death.

He's doing it for Tommy.

He's doing it for the boy who deserved a hero's death. 

Techno breathes out, feeling his chest hurt. He doesn't want to visit Tommy. He doesn't want to visit that stupid grave that doesn't even have a body to go with it. He doesn't want to do any of this, Techno doesn't want to have to go and see him. He doesn't want to sit down at Tommy's grave and tell him all the things he should have told him when he was alive. Techno regrets so much, he regrets so much more than he ever though that he would. He looks up, staring up at the leaves that fall from their branches, fluttering gently down to the ground, the wind picking them up once more and dragging them throughout the sky and air. They're golden and orange and red - Tommy colours, he thinks dully. Tommy always proclaimed himself as a bright flame, as bright red, as the colour of anger and pride. But really, Techno thinks to himself as he watches a golden leaf float in the air, Tommy was gold. Tommy was golden. He was Techno's gold, he was so unbelievably important to everyone, but no one would fucking admit it and he doesn't understand why, he doesn't understand why _he_ wouldn't admit it. 

Maybe because he was afraid. Maybe it was because he was terrified of losing Tommy, and that's exactly what happened. Techno should have told Tommy that he loved him, because he knows damn well that Tommy didn't know that. Their last conversation had simply been traded insults and raised voices, a screaming match that led to absolutely nothing. Techno had been so _angry_ , his vision had gone entirely red, he was so ready to kill Tommy where he stood because how _could_ he? How _could_ Tommy betray him and leave him all alone once again, just like always? How could Tommy do that to him? Techno had taken him in, he had given him armour and food, he let the stupid kid keep everything that he had stolen from Techno, Techno let him _live_ , even after everything. But now, as Techno walks alone under the trees and their shedded leaves, he realises just how _fucked_ that all was. He should have never tried to destroy L'manberg in the first place. He should have just _left_ , he should have gone and no one would have stopped him. He should have stopped Wilbur from blowing up his own nation. Techno should have been a _fucking adult._ Techno should have _never_ resorted to petty violence, he should have never done that. Not to Wilbur, not to Niki and Tubbo and everyone else in L'manberg, and especially not to Tommy. 

Tommy deserved so much better than what he got. Tommy always, _always_ deserved so much better. Techno thinks that everyone can blame it all on him, that they can blame it all on the sixteen year old boy who had a penchant for picking fights, but that doesn't make any sense. He used to do the same thing, and he thought it was entirely justified because surely Tommy knew what he was doing, surely Tommy realised that his morals and ideals were wrong and would never happen. Surely he'd realise that he was in the wrong. But Tommy was just a fucking _kid_ , Techno realised. He was just a kid. He was just a kid whose home had been taken from him over and over again. He was just a kid who had died twice already. He was just a kid who had been thrown into a war for a place he originally didn't even care about. Tommy was just a kid who was forced to grow up in a matter of months, if not weeks. Tommy should have never had to grow up that fast. Techno should have made sure that he didn't have to. Techno should have taken _fucking responsibility_ and stepped up where everyone else failed, and yet he _didn't_. And yet he continued to feed into that cycle of horribleness and neglect. He fed into that cycle of abuse.

Techno takes a shuddering breath out, biting down so hard on his lip that he tastes blood immediately after. The taste of copper calms his nerves, though only for a moment. He swallows, screwing up his face, squeezing his eyes shut. He stops in his tracks, wondering if it's still worth it to go and visit a grave that doesn't have a body to match it. Techno breathes in, then out, then in again. He has to. He doesn't want to, he really, really doesn't want to, but he _has_ to. He has to do it for Tommy. It's the absolute least that he can do, it's the bare fucking minimum. Techno continues to walk, forcing himself to drag his feet along the dirt, opening his eyes again. Techno looks ahead, his breath hitching in his throat as he stares at the open clearing in front of him. 

It's the only place in the entire forest that isn't completely covered with trees. There are sunbeams landing on the grass, the entire area looking golden and warm and safe. There are two graves there - one is recent, the other has been there for a few months now. There are a few scattered boulders and rocks, a decent amount of flowers spread out across both the graves as well as the area in general. Lavender and blue bells and goldenrods are everywhere, all painted gold from the sun. 

It's the perfect resting spot for two heroes, both who were taken far, far too soon. 

Techno moves until he collapses, falling to his knees, his hands hitting the ground. He feels them scrape as they hit rocks, feels cool mud and dirt on his palms. Techno bites back his cries, shaking his head, wishing that he didn't feel the tears prick at his eyes. Wishing that he wasn't about to cry again. Techno leans back, sitting up. He brushes his hands down on his pants, leaving trails of dirt and blood behind them. The graves are centred in this small little clearing, directly set by each other's sides. Wilbur's grave is cracked and broken, worn down from the lack of care and attention it's been given. No one has bothered to come and clean up his grave out of spite and anger, out of bitterness and resentment. Phil used to come out here and clean the area up, but it got too hard for him, and then he stopped caring entirely, moving on to the next goal of his, moving on with his life. Techno reaches up to put a hand on Tommy's headstone, but he hesitates. He sets his hand back down on his leg, biting down on his lip once again to calm his nerves, to still his ever-too-fast heart. 

"Hey, Tommy," Techno manages to get out, the words ripped from his throat. They feel wrong. They feel so, so wrong. He sniffles, raising one hand to wipe his tears, using the back of it to avoid rubbing dirt and blood onto his face. "You were supposed to be a hero, Tommy," Techno whispers, feeling broken and hurt and filled with agony. "So why didn't you die like one?" The silence is deafening, it's painful and it hurts Techno more than he thinks that it should. It's so quiet. It's _so_ quiet.

Far too many seconds pass, too many for him to count. 

Techno, for a moment, realises that Tommy did die as a hero. He faced his demons and he conquered them, even if they bested him at the very last minute. It was an unfair, disgusting, brutal death. His death was raw and bloody and wrong, it was awful and horrible and it was the worst possible way he could have ever died. But even with all of that in mind, even with all those things considered and known, Tommy still died a hero. No matter how he died, no matter how he could have possibly died, Tommy would have always still died a hero, and that's exactly what he did. 

"You know," Techno clears his throat, tilting his head back and staring up at the sky. The sun burns his eyes, but he still somehow finds it difficult to look away. It's an easy distraction from the graveyard directly in front of him. "You always hated it when I called you Theseus," he murmurs, swallowing back the pained words he feels bubbling up. He doesn't need to break down right now, he doesn't need to cry and sob and scream at the world for how unbelievably unfair it is. The world should have never taken Tommy from them once, let alone three times. The world is cruel and awful and terrible, and Tommy was everything that it wasn't. He was good. He was golden. He was hope. He was the definition of love and hope and pride and goodness and greatness. Tommy was so many things. "You always said that you weren't Theseus. You always said that you were Tommy. Just Tommy," Techno blinks rapidly, desperately trying to blink away the tears that threaten to overflow. "You were never _just_ Tommy. You were so much more than that. You were Tommy, but you weren't just that. You were more. You were always more." 

Emotions, Techno thinks to himself as he looks down at the grave that shouldn't exist, are so unbelievably difficult for him to deal with. There are parts of Techno that want to wail and sob and scream, he wants to punch the earth and murder that _green son of a bitch_ , because it's all _so_ unfair. There are parts of Techno that want to keep calm, to remain reserved and strong, steel-faced and heart-guarded. There are parts of him that want nothing more than to get up and leave and never come back, to forget Tommy entirely, to pretend like none of this ever happened. Techno wants to do everything in his power to manage to control himself, to wrestle his emotions back in control, to push them back down and swallow his sadness and hurt. But he can't. Techno can't do that, and even though he wishes that he could, he knows that he can't.

"You're gold, Tommy. You're gold," Techno says, and he doesn't know why he says it, but he does. It's the truth, after all. "You are gold," he whispers, looking back up to the sky, watching as birds soar above him, free and blissfully unaware of how cruel and unfair the world is. They know nothing about hurt and pain. Techno thinks it would be much easier to be with them - to know nothing. To be free of hurt. To be free of love. "Piglins are naturally drawn to gold," Techno explains, keeping his voice low and soft, trying his best to keep himself from raising it, from yelling. He wants to change the last way he spoke to Tommy. "You were gold. Wilbur was gold. Phil is gold. All of you, you were all gold," he whispers. "But especially you, Tommy. Especially you. You were so important, you were so important to so many people, and I'm so sorry that we never said that," he laughs, ducking his head, bitter and upset. "Everyone always misses you more when you're dead, 'cause that's when they realise they can't say all the things they wanted to when you were alive." 

He pauses, inhaling. "Like how I love you," Techno jerks his head to the side, biting back his sobs and cries that threaten to break free. He bites down on his lip again, drawing blood, swallowing back the rest of the words that he wants to speak. Techno breathes out, tilting his head back to stare up at the sky, to avoid looking at Tommy's headstone. "I love you, Tommy. I love you," the words come out in broken fragments, barely pieced together, barely understandable. Techno's voice is too quiet to be picked up, and even he has to strain to hear himself - and even then, he's not sure if he actually speaks the words or if they've just been said in his mind. So he clears his throat, swallowing back his tears, sitting a little straighter. He looks at Tommy's grave head on, running his eyes over the engraved name and words. "I love you, Tommy. I love you, and I'm _so_ sorry." 

This time, the words are said loud enough for Techno to know without a second of doubt that he actually did say them, that he didn't just murmur them in his head. Those words are all it takes for him to break, for his composure and his resolve to shatter. Techno doubles over, raising his hands to his face, covering his eyes. He digs his fingernails into his scalp as he sobs into the palms of his hands, broken cries escaping his lips. He lets them, knowing that he can't stop them, knowing that there's no point in trying to keep them hidden anymore. Tommy is gone, and there's a part of him that screams that it's all his fault. There's a part of him that hollers and wails and shouts that it's _his fault_ , that _he_ did this. That if he had just been a little more considerate and caring, if he hadn't been so cruel, Tommy would be alive right now. 

"I'm sorry." Techno whispers, wiping away his tears, moving his hands away from his face. He pushes himself off of the ground, feeling his heart sink as he does. Tommy's grave is so, so beautiful. The goldenrods are everywhere around it, lavender scattered around the field. Blue bells have grown around Wilbur's grave, but they're starting to migrate over to Tommy's goldenrods. White lilies, yellow roses, pink tulips, they're all here. Every single flower that Techno can think of is in this field. 

In this graveyard.

Techno doesn't think that he can stay for any longer. He stands on shaky legs, trembling, hands shaking. He breathes out, ducking his head. "I'm sorry, Tommy. I'm sorry," Techno looks away, turning his head away from Tommy and Wilbur's grave. He crosses his arms against his chest, somehow freezing cold even though it's not at all cold. Not even in the slightest. He's standing in the _sun_ , for god's sake, how the hell is he cold? Techno laughs, looking up at the sky, watching as the sun stares back down at him. "I shouldn't have done anythin' that I did. I shouldn't have done any of the things that I did to you," he feels like he's going to cry again, and Techno desperately wishes that that feeling would go away. "I hope.." he pauses, looking back down at Tommy's grave. It's beautiful. "I hope wherever you are, Tommy, I..I hope that you're okay," Techno whispers. "I hope that you're okay. I hope it's okay there, I hope it's peaceful. I hope that you've found peace. I hope you.." he trails off, raising his hand to wipe away the tears that just keep coming. "I hope you get to be a kid again."

He turns away, muffling a cry of pain and hurt and brokenness into his arm, squeezing his eyes shut, screwing up his face. "I love you," Techno chokes out, shaking his head. "I'm so fuckin' sorry, Tommy. I'm _so_ fuckin' sorry," he whispers, digging his heels into the ground. He needs to go. He has to leave. Techno has to leave. Techno _needs_ to leave. "I..I'll talk to you later. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you. You.." he breathes out, furiously blinking away his tears, tilting his head up to stare at the sky. "You're a hero, Tommy. You should have lived like one," he murmurs. "You should have lived like the hero you were."

He pauses.

"Like the hero you are." 

Techno looks back to Tommy's grave, nodding a few times, as if Tommy can see him. Tommy is a hero, Techno decides. Tommy is a hero, and he will always, _always_ be a hero. Tommy is the hero of this world, he will forever be the hero of this world. Tommy is more of a hero than Techno could ever hope to be. "Okay," Techno nods again, feeling his heart scream and ache in his chest. "Okay. I..I'll see you later, Tommy," he looks away, smiling a little to himself even though it hurts like hell to do so. "Bye, hero boy."

And then he turns away without another word, leaving the hero's graveyard behind. 


End file.
